Wednesday, 29 July 2015 @ 11:13 a.m.
We all hide under something.
A forced smile.
A fake laugh.
But the worst kind is when you lie things to yourself.
You tell it enough times that you actually start believing it.
Everything is going to be okay.
I am fine.
Things will change.
I deserve better.
This need to stop.
I have always considered myself as a realist. But a huge part of me is a dreamer too. I always believe in things even though there shouldn't be any reason left to do so.
I have both of my feet firmly on the ground yet my head all up in the clouds.
We all want something. Not necessarily what we can't have. Something that everyone wants.
It may sound so simple to those who has it but not to people that yearns for it.
Am I starting to sound dark again?
The fingers write what the heart tells to.
Saturday, 27 June 2015 @ 9:04 p.m.
Ramadhan 2015 and dreams of a better world
So, 19 hours of fasting isn't so bad.
Nothing to it.
Although what really test my patience is waiting for Isyak.
Which starts at 11 pm.
When you're already sleepy because you ate way too much, to wait til Isyak is a real test.
Something that I love doing here is debating.
Especially when it comes to debating about religion and culture.
I mean, it is only when you are not in your comfort zone that you really get defensive of who you are, where you're from, what you believe in and how you are brought up. It is really an eye-opener to argue with people who are mostly do not believe in god but morally good. Well, thats what they think of themselves.
I love how nothing is a taboo subject here; you can voice anything you want but need to realise the reaction you're going to get and bear the consequences. Strictly professional and not emotional. Intelligent debates about politics, economics, religion and culture. Oh how I wish we have the same environment in Malaysia. To have intelligent conversations everyday, realising that whatever tragedy you have personally or the bad stuff happening in your lives is nothing compared to the millions of sufferings in the world.
I have so many things I want to do and I really hope I can make a start of those dreams. To play an insignificant role in helping people would truly be life changing. And doing my dissertation on security and refugee protection, I hope to one day help those protracted refugees in Palestine, Afghanistan or Iraq. Life is so much more than thinking about yourself and who you love; humanity should extend way beyond that.
I really hope I won't get caught up with the mundane, routine lifestyle once I get back. I want my son to grow up knowing what is going on with the world, how unequal it is, how extremely hard it is for millions just to stay alive and to play a part helping this world a better place for at least one human being.
Oh, how big my dream is dear Adyan.
Monday, 8 June 2015 @ 2:27 a.m.
Just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesnt mean they dont love you with all they have.
While other people underestimate, I always overestimate.
I overestimate how much they care.
Overestimate how much they love you.
Sometimes overestimate backfires.
Underestimate pays off.
But that is me.
Because isnt it better than underestimate?
Thursday, 28 May 2015 @ 2:44 p.m.
Bring back sillyness!!
I have been reading some of my past posts.
I have quite forgotten how funny I used to be.
Hahaha damn haha.
I used to write stupid, fun, useless, silly things.
And I laughed my head off reading all that.
How have I become such a negative person?
Enough of all that!!!!!
Shhoooooooooo shitty negative attitude!
Hello to simple and silly life ahead!
I have focussed so much on the bad things in my life that I have forgotten to write about the good things I have been blessed with.
What I have enjoyed most, are taking long road-trips and watch the beautiful sceneries. Masya Allah. So, so amazing. If only I studied in Scotland, man, it would be just heaven. Somehow it is ironic that you go to a developed country to enjoy their nature. Hahahaha
This is me, Adyan and his step sister and my new step-daughter. Hahahaha. Her name is Asteya Percaya Prima, how classic is that right? She's from Indonesia and my classmate, and 9 years younger than me!!! Yes, aku breakaway dgn budak2 hingusan apparently. Hahahaha. I am the 3rd oldest in my class so the average age of my class is probably 26 years old. Tap take lah. Doing ingot pun aku sama umur dgn diorang. Yeah!!!! Keperasanan bersambungan di negara perantauan.
Basically this is probably 70% of our class. This is us celebrating our last essay submission at the end of semester 2. Phewwwhhhh, what a relief!!!! Believe me, it has been a stressful 6 months of essay writing. What christmas holiday? What easter break? pppffttttt. Mmg lah aku jenjalan jugak but kat belakang kepala nun, mesti tgh fikir pasal idea essay. Uhuks. I have grown close to this group of people. Planning for a January 2017 trip to Myanmar for Myo's wedding. Yeeehaaaaa!!!
I have only got 4 more months here. Time flies yet sometimes feel so slow.
Lusa start roadtrip ke Europe. German-Swiss-Italy-Austria.
Oh, can't wait to be lost in a foreign place, to go wherever (the gps) takes us.
Till then, bye guys!
Wednesday, 27 May 2015 @ 3:25 a.m.
Saya seorang yang sukar
Sering nak menang katanya
Sukar untuk difahami
Terlalu memikirkan katanya
Sukar untuk didekati
Fikiran yang terlalu rumit
Ada seseorang yang sentiasa menghargai kesukaran saya
Dalam diam memerhati
Cuba untuk memahami
Kenapa saya sukar
Dia sentiasa menanti
Walaupun saya lama telah meninggalkan
Dia sentiasa memastikan
Saya baik-baik saja
Dia sentiasa mengingati
Harga diri saya
Dia sentiasa meletakkan
Saya di ruang lain
Saya selalu lupa nilai saya
Namun dia tidak
Saya sering lupa untuk mempercayai
Dia sering mencuba
Agar saya tidak lupa
Saya ingin dia tahu
Saya menghargai dia
Segala dalam diam
Semua dalam terang
Dan antara barisan
Walau pun saya tak layak untuk diselamatkan
Dan mungkin jauh di sudut hati awak
Awak membenci saya
Awak tetap mencuba
Saya harap sentiasa
Awak setia menjadi
Sunday, 17 May 2015 @ 2:42 a.m.
People change all the time.
Sometimes in a good way.
What about me?
I wish I could be prouder of the person I have become.
There are things I wish I could have done better.
I trust people way too easily.
Assuming all people are good.
Always think myself last.
I trust people way too easily.
Assuming all people are good.
Always putting other people first.
Sometimes I look back.
Where did I go wrong?
Where did it all began?
I cant blame naivety in all this.
People gotta learn from mistakes.
Other people's mistakes.
Sometimes I look at other people, and think.
Why are they so dense?
Why do they make decisions that do not make sense?
Some people would say the same stuff about me.
At times I feel so out of place.
Except among very few people.
People that appriciate my worth.
I cant say I am unhappy with my life.
I have so many to be thankful for.
Opportunities to do the things I like.
Adyan: my heart, my soul, my strength.
A good life.
Maybe that is all I need.
Tuesday, 17 February 2015 @ 2:05 a.m.
Of events without me
I am feeling especially sad today as I am not there for my sister when she gave birth. Well not actually held her hands of course but to be the one who fusses over her, making fun of her cries and cooing over my newborn nephew.
She's my only sister and I am not there at the biggest moment of her life.
Yeah, apparently her giving birth is all about me. Pppfftttt...
I am so happy now that she has a boy of her own, she can really relate to how I feel as a mother; the joy, the emotional mess, the overwhelming responsibilities and basically having your heart outside your body.
When I come back, he will already be almost 8 months!!!!!!! I will have missed the pure baby smell phase when it is all about innocence and smell of heaven!!!!!!
She was around a lot when I had Adyan, coming over almost every weekend to obsessively take pictures of him and upload it on FB or Instagram before me. Hahahaha.
I wish I could be there as a sister, as a best friend and as an aunty.