Thursday, 28 May 2015 @ 2:44 p.m.
Bring back sillyness!!
I have been reading some of my past posts.
I have quite forgotten how funny I used to be.
Hahaha damn haha.
I used to write stupid, fun, useless, silly things.
And I laughed my head off reading all that.
How have I become such a negative person?
Enough of all that!!!!!
Shhoooooooooo shitty negative attitude!
Hello to simple and silly life ahead!
I have focussed so much on the bad things in my life that I have forgotten to write about the good things I have been blessed with.
What I have enjoyed most, are taking long road-trips and watch the beautiful sceneries. Masya Allah. So, so amazing. If only I studied in Scotland, man, it would be just heaven. Somehow it is ironic that you go to a developed country to enjoy their nature. Hahahaha
This is me, Adyan and his step sister and my new step-daughter. Hahahaha. Her name is Asteya Percaya Prima, how classic is that right? She's from Indonesia and my classmate, and 9 years younger than me!!! Yes, aku breakaway dgn budak2 hingusan apparently. Hahahaha. I am the 3rd oldest in my class so the average age of my class is probably 26 years old. Tap take lah. Doing ingot pun aku sama umur dgn diorang. Yeah!!!! Keperasanan bersambungan di negara perantauan.
Basically this is probably 70% of our class. This is us celebrating our last essay submission at the end of semester 2. Phewwwhhhh, what a relief!!!! Believe me, it has been a stressful 6 months of essay writing. What christmas holiday? What easter break? pppffttttt. Mmg lah aku jenjalan jugak but kat belakang kepala nun, mesti tgh fikir pasal idea essay. Uhuks. I have grown close to this group of people. Planning for a January 2017 trip to Myanmar for Myo's wedding. Yeeehaaaaa!!!
I have only got 4 more months here. Time flies yet sometimes feel so slow.
Lusa start roadtrip ke Europe. German-Swiss-Italy-Austria.
Oh, can't wait to be lost in a foreign place, to go wherever (the gps) takes us.
Till then, bye guys!
Wednesday, 27 May 2015 @ 3:25 a.m.
Saya seorang yang sukar
Sering nak menang katanya
Sukar untuk difahami
Terlalu memikirkan katanya
Sukar untuk didekati
Fikiran yang terlalu rumit
Ada seseorang yang sentiasa menghargai kesukaran saya
Dalam diam memerhati
Cuba untuk memahami
Kenapa saya sukar
Dia sentiasa menanti
Walaupun saya lama telah meninggalkan
Dia sentiasa memastikan
Saya baik-baik saja
Dia sentiasa mengingati
Harga diri saya
Dia sentiasa meletakkan
Saya di ruang lain
Saya selalu lupa nilai saya
Namun dia tidak
Saya sering lupa untuk mempercayai
Dia sering mencuba
Agar saya tidak lupa
Saya ingin dia tahu
Saya menghargai dia
Segala dalam diam
Semua dalam terang
Dan antara barisan
Walau pun saya tak layak untuk diselamatkan
Awak tetap mencuba
Mungkin saya bukan lagi penyeri di sini
Dan awak jelas tidak lagi peduli
Itu lah awak pada saya.
Sunday, 17 May 2015 @ 2:42 a.m.
People change all the time.
Sometimes in a good way.
What about me?
I wish I could be prouder of the person I have become.
There are things I wish I could have done better.
I trust people way too easily.
Assuming all people are good.
Always think myself last.
I trust people way too easily.
Assuming all people are good.
Always putting other people first.
Sometimes I look back.
Where did I go wrong?
Where did it all began?
I cant blame naivety in all this.
People gotta learn from mistakes.
Other people's mistakes.
Sometimes I look at other people, and think.
Why are they so dense?
Why do they make decisions that do not make sense?
Some people would say the same stuff about me.
At times I feel so out of place.
Except among very few people.
People that appriciate my worth.
I cant say I am unhappy with my life.
I have so many to be thankful for.
Opportunities to do the things I like.
Adyan: my heart, my soul, my strength.
A good life.
Maybe that is all I need.
Tuesday, 17 February 2015 @ 2:05 a.m.
Of events without me
I am feeling especially sad today as I am not there for my sister when she gave birth. Well not actually held her hands of course but to be the one who fusses over her, making fun of her cries and cooing over my newborn nephew.
She's my only sister and I am not there at the biggest moment of her life.
Yeah, apparently her giving birth is all about me. Pppfftttt...
I am so happy now that she has a boy of her own, she can really relate to how I feel as a mother; the joy, the emotional mess, the overwhelming responsibilities and basically having your heart outside your body.
When I come back, he will already be almost 8 months!!!!!!! I will have missed the pure baby smell phase when it is all about innocence and smell of heaven!!!!!!
She was around a lot when I had Adyan, coming over almost every weekend to obsessively take pictures of him and upload it on FB or Instagram before me. Hahahaha.
I wish I could be there as a sister, as a best friend and as an aunty.
Friday, 30 January 2015 @ 10:36 p.m.
Oh my goodness!!!!!
How long have I left this blog for?????
Truthfully I have been keeping a journal as I have a lot more time to think nowdays, its much easier for me to right. But I have been missing this blog. I have missed writing here and this blog is 8 years old so lets continue writing.
Eh, baru 5 bulan lah tak write here. Damn, rasa so long already.
So what do I feel like talking about as my first post of 2015?
I have just turned 33 yesterday and as I say every year, I never feel a day older than I was when I was 23. Bahhahahahaha.
I must admit that people disappoint me all the time; even when you try your best. The worst thing about being independent and strong is people just assume you're okay, when you're really not. I have had days that I wish I can just scream and shake some people senseless as they seem to be so blind that I am struggling or that I am unhappy. I refuse to let my happiness be dictated by other people but sadness really does.
Adyan have grown beautifully; he has such a soft soul. Never aggressive, never harsh, never throwing tantrums. Always saying thank you, always kissing me and saying I love you's. He's taking time in talking but it doesn't worry me. His time will come eventually.
Marriage have not been easy. It has always been a struggle for me. I came into the marriage world, embracing the role of wife and a mother whole-heartedly but not having a partner who thinks the same is hard. Not having support have made me a harder person. I look at my friends and how their husbands treat them, behave after marriage. Mine is still stuck in his uni days. When you are not on the same page in priority and responsibilities, where is it heading? There are limits to how many times you try to solve every single problem but having your partner ignore them all completely.
Coming from a divorced background forced me to grow up quicker. And I have this belief that you can make yourself happy without depending on anyone else. Your life is always in your own hands.
What a depressing first post of the year huh?
C'est la vie.
It isn't always rosy.
Thursday, 28 August 2014 @ 5:43 p.m.
Tomorrow will be my last day here in KKLW.
My first and only posting.
Almost 8 years.
And I love this ministry dearly.
Not only because of its awesome people, but the kind of work that we do.
Our core business.
Helping the poor.
Lighten the burden of people who needs it.
Such noble causes.
Of course, when big money and politicians / contractors comes into the picture is a completely different story.
But the intentions are good.
I am proud to have been part of this Ministry for this long, and to be able to see it from the top.
The eyes of from the top management but with the heart and mind of a young officer.
I am thankful that I had such awesome bosses; bosses who appreciates and want my opinion.
What I think MATTERS.
I am able to put ideas and he would listen and actually ask the Ministry to implement it.
I may be a small officer, but I have used many opportunities to be heard.
I am glad and I hope that I won't do, to me, very mundane things like taking care of buildings and assets (my GOD!!!!) , or monitoring KPIs (yawn) and budgets. Sorry, putting money, numbers don't interest me if I don't get to see where the went, how it is spent and how it benefits the people. That is just me. I am sure ada je orang yang kat sana malas nak deal dgn manusia (or tak sesuai bergaul dgn manusia haahaha) maka enjoy those kind of things, but hopefully, I won't to get the chance.
Esok baru naka last day to study for a year dah sibuk cakap apa yang nak, apa yang taknak?
On a serious note, I will sorely miss KKLW.
Like Sheryl Crow sings, 'The first cut is the deepest'.
The KKLW spirit will always be in my heart.
Wednesday, 13 August 2014 @ 6:42 p.m.
I have so much in my mind that I think even when I am sleeping, I am solving problems or mulling over SOMETHING.
My house is a mess. Full with boxes, all half dome.
Because Adyan suka main kotak. Baru nak dapat feel packing, dia kacau. Nak buat markas kotak la, nyorok celah kotak la, salotep kotak lah. So bila dah tidokan dia, ingat boleh lah buat.
Mood pulak xde. Maka tido sekali.
Alhamdulillah had a wonderful low-key Raya celebration with close family and loved ones. Thats all that matters; people that matters.
And I did not spend anything new for Raya, so bangga!!!! Rasa macam deja vuakan keangkuhan ini. Hahaha
So many documents to do for my Masters but so far, Alhamdulillah, all is well.
I have like between 13-16 days working days left, depending on my ticket dapat bila.
Gile lah, finally leaving KKLW.
As heavy as my heart leaving a familiar place, I always wanted new surroundings, new challenges. Selalu rasa pelik dgn orang sangat tak open. Tu baru dari segi posting. In other parts of life pun mesti tak eksaiting kan. Hihihihi
My boss is already acting weird, acting a bit too nice and clingy since I reminded him that I am leaving in less than a month. Sikit2 cakap, alaa you nak tinggalkan I, sape nak buat tuuu, buat niiiii, settlekan yang tuuuuu. Hahahahaha. Chomel pulak namun ada sedikit kegelian di atas kemerajukan itu. Ooopsssss..
Seriously, I can't wait to have this one year adventure. Get out from the routine that work and life brings you here. To have clothes for all 4 seasons, knowing with almost a guarantee taht I won't grow out of it. Boleh guna balik untuk buat PhD di Canada nanti. Bahahaahhaha (angan-angan). Impian harus ada.
Impiannya adalah lepas saya hanis Masters, produce baby number two. Yang semestinya girl. (Bahahahahha). Then, suami saya buat Masters local. pada ketika Adyan almost 7 years old dan babygirl kamu berumur 2 tahun barangkali, kami berdua sambung PhD di Canada. Tujuannya Adyan dapat the first 3 years education sekolah rendah di obersi.
Pada tahun kedua PhD, saya pula bakal bersalin anak ketiga. Jantina belum dapat ditentukan.
Sekian, doakan lah impian tu sume tercapai.