Tuesday, 17 February 2015 @ 2:05 am
Of events without me
I am feeling especially sad today as I am not there for my sister when she gave birth. Well not actually held her hands of course but to be the one who fusses over her, making fun of her cries and cooing over my newborn nephew.
She's my only sister and I am not there at the biggest moment of her life.
Yeah, apparently her giving birth is all about me. Pppfftttt...
I am so happy now that she has a boy of her own, she can really relate to how I feel as a mother; the joy, the emotional mess, the overwhelming responsibilities and basically having your heart outside your body.
When I come back, he will already be almost 8 months!!!!!!! I will have missed the pure baby smell phase when it is all about innocence and smell of heaven!!!!!!
She was around a lot when I had Adyan, coming over almost every weekend to obsessively take pictures of him and upload it on FB or Instagram before me. Hahahaha.
I wish I could be there as a sister, as a best friend and as an aunty.
Friday, 30 January 2015 @ 10:36 pm
Oh my goodness!!!!!
How long have I left this blog for?????
Truthfully I have been keeping a journal as I have a lot more time to think nowdays, its much easier for me to right. But I have been missing this blog. I have missed writing here and this blog is 8 years old so lets continue writing.
Eh, baru 5 bulan lah tak write here. Damn, rasa so long already.
So what do I feel like talking about as my first post of 2015?
I have just turned 33 yesterday and as I say every year, I never feel a day older than I was when I was 23. Bahhahahahaha.
I must admit that people disappoint me all the time; even when you try your best. The worst thing about being independent and strong is people just assume you're okay, when you're really not. I have had days that I wish I can just scream and shake some people senseless as they seem to be so blind that I am struggling or that I am unhappy. I refuse to let my happiness be dictated by other people but sadness really does.
Adyan have grown beautifully; he has such a soft soul. Never aggressive, never harsh, never throwing tantrums. Always saying thank you, always kissing me and saying I love you's. He's taking time in talking but it doesn't worry me. His time will come eventually.
Marriage have not been easy. It has always been a struggle for me. I came into the marriage world, embracing the role of wife and a mother whole-heartedly but not having a partner who thinks the same is hard. Not having support have made me a harder person. I look at my friends and how their husbands treat them, behave after marriage. Mine is still stuck in his uni days. When you are not on the same page in priority and responsibilities, where is it heading? There are limits to how many times you try to solve every single problem but having your partner ignore them all completely.
Coming from a divorced background forced me to grow up quicker. And I have this belief that you can make yourself happy without depending on anyone else. Your life is always in your own hands.
What a depressing first post of the year huh?
C'est la vie.
It isn't always rosy.
Thursday, 28 August 2014 @ 5:43 pm
Tomorrow will be my last day here in KKLW.
My first and only posting.
Almost 8 years.
And I love this ministry dearly.
Not only because of its awesome people, but the kind of work that we do.
Our core business.
Helping the poor.
Lighten the burden of people who needs it.
Such noble causes.
Of course, when big money and politicians / contractors comes into the picture is a completely different story.
But the intentions are good.
I am proud to have been part of this Ministry for this long, and to be able to see it from the top.
The eyes of from the top management but with the heart and mind of a young officer.
I am thankful that I had such awesome bosses; bosses who appreciates and want my opinion.
What I think MATTERS.
I am able to put ideas and he would listen and actually ask the Ministry to implement it.
I may be a small officer, but I have used many opportunities to be heard.
I am glad and I hope that I won't do, to me, very mundane things like taking care of buildings and assets (my GOD!!!!) , or monitoring KPIs (yawn) and budgets. Sorry, putting money, numbers don't interest me if I don't get to see where the went, how it is spent and how it benefits the people. That is just me. I am sure ada je orang yang kat sana malas nak deal dgn manusia (or tak sesuai bergaul dgn manusia haahaha) maka enjoy those kind of things, but hopefully, I won't to get the chance.
Esok baru naka last day to study for a year dah sibuk cakap apa yang nak, apa yang taknak?
On a serious note, I will sorely miss KKLW.
Like Sheryl Crow sings, 'The first cut is the deepest'.
The KKLW spirit will always be in my heart.
Wednesday, 13 August 2014 @ 6:42 pm
I have so much in my mind that I think even when I am sleeping, I am solving problems or mulling over SOMETHING.
My house is a mess. Full with boxes, all half dome.
Because Adyan suka main kotak. Baru nak dapat feel packing, dia kacau. Nak buat markas kotak la, nyorok celah kotak la, salotep kotak lah. So bila dah tidokan dia, ingat boleh lah buat.
Mood pulak xde. Maka tido sekali.
Alhamdulillah had a wonderful low-key Raya celebration with close family and loved ones. Thats all that matters; people that matters.
And I did not spend anything new for Raya, so bangga!!!! Rasa macam deja vuakan keangkuhan ini. Hahaha
So many documents to do for my Masters but so far, Alhamdulillah, all is well.
I have like between 13-16 days working days left, depending on my ticket dapat bila.
Gile lah, finally leaving KKLW.
As heavy as my heart leaving a familiar place, I always wanted new surroundings, new challenges. Selalu rasa pelik dgn orang sangat tak open. Tu baru dari segi posting. In other parts of life pun mesti tak eksaiting kan. Hihihihi
My boss is already acting weird, acting a bit too nice and clingy since I reminded him that I am leaving in less than a month. Sikit2 cakap, alaa you nak tinggalkan I, sape nak buat tuuu, buat niiiii, settlekan yang tuuuuu. Hahahahaha. Chomel pulak namun ada sedikit kegelian di atas kemerajukan itu. Ooopsssss..
Seriously, I can't wait to have this one year adventure. Get out from the routine that work and life brings you here. To have clothes for all 4 seasons, knowing with almost a guarantee taht I won't grow out of it. Boleh guna balik untuk buat PhD di Canada nanti. Bahahaahhaha (angan-angan). Impian harus ada.
Impiannya adalah lepas saya hanis Masters, produce baby number two. Yang semestinya girl. (Bahahahahha). Then, suami saya buat Masters local. pada ketika Adyan almost 7 years old dan babygirl kamu berumur 2 tahun barangkali, kami berdua sambung PhD di Canada. Tujuannya Adyan dapat the first 3 years education sekolah rendah di obersi.
Pada tahun kedua PhD, saya pula bakal bersalin anak ketiga. Jantina belum dapat ditentukan.
Sekian, doakan lah impian tu sume tercapai.
Tuesday, 17 June 2014 @ 4:04 pm
I think I am a pretty patriotic person.
Maybe on a scale of 1 to 10, maybe 7.
Because to me there is no point of having a sense of patriotism if you just keep it in your heart and not do something to benefit the country.
Like if you don't vote, but you say you love your country.
The reason being you don't trust the Government anyway, or everyone is corrupt, either parties or a vote doesn't make any difference.
You just take the coward way out because then you can point fingers to the Government or blame the voters when you didn't have the guts to make a choice.
By not voting, you simply say you don't care who rule the country.
And to say that a vote doesn't make a difference?
If 2 million people think the same, how big of a difference 2 million votes can make?
Most people hate politics but by avoiding it, doesn't make it go away. It just makes you an unwilling participant, forcing you to do things their way when in fact, you could be a willing participant and try make change.
People from the outside probably think ours is a racist country, providing privileges and benefits to certain race only (Malay) and at times, if I put myself in other race's shoes, I would probably think it is unfair.
I am a Malay and I am proud to be one.
Even if people, not only from other races, look down on Malays. Malas. Typical Malay. Janji Melayu. Tak suka tengok bangsa sendiri senang.
I hate that but there is a ring of truth in that.
Despite all the Government's help, subsidies, privileges and benefits given to the race known as Malay, we are still lagging far, far behind. In term of economy and education (although not as bad). We can't possibly say that the way the British separated all 3 races before Independence still has a hold on us.
57 years and we still don't have a firm grip on anything. Politically laughable too.
Anyway, how did the tone of this tone went so negatively?
It's just so sad, really.
And these feelings resurface after attending the compulsory week-long BTN course.
This time round, I get to really understand the foundation of the Federal Constitution, why certain things are in there and at what cost this constitution has on certain people.
I am not a racist and I do not think the special treatment Malays receive are race-based.
It spurred from who the original people are.
It was a pre-requisite, a term that has to be met and agreed by all race in order to achieve Independence.
It wasn't such a big deal to the Chinese and Indians back then because they get full citizenship.
Suddenly it matters now?
If you take away that privileges, should we take away their citizen rights as well?
Because it came hand in hand.
If my memory in history serves me right. Do correct me if I'm wrong.
Does my post sound racist?
I do apologize if it does but definitely not my intention.
Wednesday, 2 April 2014 @ 5:18 pm
Not deliriously happy.
But I can always tell my mood or where I am at my life by the choice of songs I listen to at the office.
Discovered some awesome artists like Andrew Belle, Birdy, Broods, Joshua Radin. And a whole lot more. So inspiring :)
Adyan growing up brings me so much joy. He is such a big boy and yet not too independant, which I love because he really needs his mama. He is so musical, always dancing when there's music, dancing, singing and clapping his hands around me when I strum the guitar. He knows his alphabets already and always shouting them out. Counting to 10.
So manja dgn atok and nenek. Kelakar sangat. Every 20 seconds akan panggil 'Atok', making sure he is nearby. Comel, tapi bila dah berpuluh kali, annoying jugak. Hahaha. Atok depan mata pun masih lagi 'Atokkk', 'Atokkk'. Main game dengan nenek. Oh, how I love spending time with him. Imagine the joy of being a housewife, watching them grow, teaching them life lessons (bahahahahaha), building their personality. Sigh. I wish that ribs and sushi and ice blends dont matter, but it does sometimes. Only money can pay for those things (yes, I only think food matters). And how to travel and see other countries if got no money meh??
I have made my decision which university I'll be going to, after much thinking and contemplating. Hahaha, sapa suh apply banyak uni. Kan dah pening nak pilih yang mana satu. Apply banyak2 sbb takut tak dapat offer, and test market. Hihihi. Alhamdulillah, 9/9 dapat offer. Menyebabkan semangat untuk menimba ilmu tu membuak2. Bahahahaa.
Just finished 6 weeks of QA. Thank god ada kursus ini. Kalau tidak, hamba Allah ni memang tak tahu menahu akan apa yang akan dilakukan time Masters nanti. Dah la otak ni sudah berkarat dan lembap. So memang sesuai sangat dengan insan ini yang telah grad 10 tahun lepas. Apatah lagi grad dalam bidang Bioteknologi and now nak ubah angin ke Sains Sosial. Oh, tak sabarnya nak belajar. Seriously. Been putting this off for far too long. Dan akan ku lanjtkan pelajaran ke PhD sebelum umurku mencecah 40. Nak start buat proposal PhD sekali ni. Bahahaahha. Duk 3 tahun overseas, lama sikit. Kuat berangan. Adeh.
If all goes well, insyaallah by mid September dah fly ke UK. Oh, the food, the music, the weather, the accent, the places to go. Hahaha aku nak belajar ke apa ni?
I have a plan in my head that I have been dwelling on whether or not to do. Kalau ada rezeki, why not? Heeeheee. (plan nakal)
Typing this as I'm eating the Laduree macarons my boss gave me. A huge ass box. Rose, pistachio, caramel, pandan pun ada. Damn it. Nak bagi laki aku ke tak?
*full of macarons crumbs*
Tuesday, 11 March 2014 @ 10:31 am
My bucket list
Everyone has dream places to go to, things they wish they can do, people they wish to marry (John Mayer) for example. hahahaha.
Of course, I have too.
These are a collection of all my-wants; although some maybe unrealistic but never say never, my friend :)
In no particular order:
1) To be surrounded by the amazing, beautiful northern lights (aurora borealis).
This pic was taken by a fish and chips owner in Scotland. I might have a chance if I am able to catch it at the right time since I will be studying in the UK in September. Although most northern lights sightings are in Iceland, Northern Canada and Alaska, but the above pic in Scotland is amazing enough.
There's like small huts with transparent roofs so that you can lay down and being surrounded by the beautiful lights in Finland. I am going to try to make sure we schedule our travel and include northern light sightings.
Duduk kat Malaysia memang tak dapat lah. Oh, been dreaming of being under this amazing sky. So, so beautiful, Masyaallah :)
2) To buy an awesome vinyl player.
Having music as a big part of my life, having a vinyl player would be just awesome. Yeah, I know its the era of free downloads and stuff but nothing beats buying an original album and see the hardwork and appriciate it physically. And again, being in the UK later, will give me the chance to collect vintage and cool music records, especially from second hand record shops. oh oh oh, cant bloody wait.
Like this one. So cool :)
3) To adopt a child.
Okay, this is serious stuff. I have always wanted to adopt a child. People always think its just for those couples who cant have kids but it just saddens me to know there is so many children out there without parents or people to love them. I wish I can help save just one child, I feel like I have done a good deed to last a lifetime. It sounds selfish, to do a good deed to make yourself feel better but everyone wants to play the superhero role, even if it is just a small part in the world. I have talked to my husband about this but I guess he is sceptical about it. Yeah, the religious part is the biggest part, to know what to do to ensure the child is muhrim or not. Nanti susah if bab agama tak ikut.
I wish I can.
4) Jumping off a plane
Para gliding was fun. But jumping off a plane would be just so awesome. I actually was about to buy this ticket to do skydiving and it costs around RM2K. I was about to click, but then Adyan came to mind.
And I didnt have the heart to do it.
If its just me, I probably wont think twice but the thought of Adyan losing me, brings me tears to my eyes. And the fact that maybe I have a lot more to live for.
Bungee jumping first perhaps? :)